is to love and be loved.
Friday, June 23, 2006 ( 10:19 PM )
Ya, I know, Amanda.. Haha on hindsight the colours are blinding… But lazy to change la haha shall be mono-coloured from now on hehe…
~**~
Is it wrong to want to be pampered? I was pampered as a child, spoilt, even, to a certain extent, my parents tell me, but does it show in my actions? I hope not.
Every girl, and I believe every sane human, has a longing to be pampered, whether by him or herself or by someone else. Don’t deny it, you know its true.
Pampered as a child, I don’t deny that part of my life. Everything I wanted I had, but now it’s the total opposite, everything I want (but not all I don’t really need HAHA see how positioning of a product is so influential? WAHAHA) I don’t have. And I don’t know when I’ll have that comfortable life back again. It’s almost a decade of financial obscurity… But wth, live life as it comes and to the fullest right?
It seems to be the most difficult part of my life now, where my family seem to be the ones in need of solace. I try to be there for them but sometimes I need solace too, right? I want to just curl up and cry. But I can’t cry anymore. I’m so used to this sadness that crying doesn’t make me feel better anymore.
The other time Anjana read my drawing she said that I wear a smile to hide my feelings. Even when I’m sad I smile and laugh and mask my feelings. She was so right. Haha. Ha. I think the last time I got emo and sad in public was in sec 2. and I think only cheryl’s ever seen me sad and she knows when I’m sad. and maybe laura saw me sad once. Jewel heard me being sad, ie. On the phone. Haha.
The reason I’m getting so emo now is cos I saw how my dad was last night.... His expression, so tired, his face so wizened and weary… he worked the whole day and came home at nearly 11pm, and when I saw his face, the exhaustion carved into his face like it was a part of his features…My heart just sank. To the deepest it’s ever sunk. I don’t know why, but… he’s working so hard for the family, I just feel that I shouldn’t be putting extra burden on him and that I should just go out and work and stop studying.
But I can’t do that, because while it might help my family for now, I’ll be disappointing my parents, because all they want from me and all my siblings is for us to come up and be happy and comfortable in life. We don’t have to be filthy rich. We just need to be happy and comfortable with what we have.
It’s the worst thing when parents tell you that you should not follow their footsteps. It’s the worst thing because they’re supposed to be your role models. It’s the worst thing because when they tell you this you don’t see them as superheroes or the happy ideal parent anymore. It’s the worst thing because then you see the cracks in their disguise… and all you see now is another fragile human, another broken soul.
Which is why I always hate to see elderly people selling tissue on the streets or busking along underpasses. Because they’re elderly people who have lived their lives and at their age should be going on a holiday around the world or a cruise to Langkawi or something. There’s just this sinking feeling in my heart whenever I see people like this. They’re supposed to be happy, but when they have to do stuff like that just to get by… Well maybe they’re happy doing it, but… still.
Ah. Well.
*SMILES*