the greatest thing you'll ever learn,
is to love and be loved.
is to love and be loved.
anyway
Friday, June 30, 2006 ( 9:41 PM )
esther and joan:
sorry ar, wanted to sms u guys telling u tt i was coming to school so that i could meet you.. but my phone batt died, so *sniff* i couldn't...
never mind, i'll come to visit you guys in school one day :)
luv u too, mei
:)
miss u guys so much!
anw, after my horrific bus incident and after collecting my cert and after getting all nostalgic when i heard the dismissal prayer
(i always zoned out during the dismissal prayer, but today... i never wanted to hear it more :)
martin came in a cab. i thought we were gg to walk to compass, so i jus sat there thinking he would get off the cab, but haha i was supposed to get in, apparently.
(sorry ar, as usual i'm blur HAHAHA)
saw clara at compass. and a whole lot of other sjc ppl.
*wave of n o s t a l g i a*
freak.
( 8:35 PM )
today on the bus...
omg, my hairs are standing just thinking about it.
went to collect my o level cert today. took the bus to compass, and on the stop after the one i boarded, this bald indian guy boarded. he walked all the way to the back of the bus, and then he walked back and sat next to me. i was on the left, he on the right.
i was sitting on the second seat from the front. on the inside, so i couldn't really make a convenient escape if i wanted to.
at first it was ok,
but craps,
he began to sit closer and closer.
at first i just thought i was being too sensitive, that he was just trying to find a comfortable spot and accidentally brushed against me.
but freak.
he started began moving closer - laterally.
squeezing me in my seat. his arms and thighs squashed against mine, and his elbow was poking the side of my stomach.
and he rested his hand on the side of my thigh.
*SCREAMS*
but wait.
it gets worse.
he began reaching into his left pocket.
which meant that his arm would brush against certain parts of me.
i was so scared.
i almost started crying.
wanted to call martin and say, "hello? MARTIN ar?" hoping he might back off,
but screws,
my phone batt was as dead as a piece of roasted chicken.
was so tempted to yell at the guy.
and he kept moving closer. and his hand got freakingly familiar with my thigh.
kept telling myself, a few more stops, a few more stops.
kept praying he would get off the cursed bus.
but he didn't.
and finally when i could take it no longer
i shifted and squashed myself against the window.
i didn't move earlier as i didn't want to kick up a fuss over something that could possibly just be my imagination.
but it got to a point where i was EXTREMELY uncomfortable. even the primary school boy sitting across from me was staring at me like,
"i think i know whats going on and get out of there."
and i gave him a "help me" look.
but whoopie,
the idiot moved in again. and kept reaching into his pocket. i put my arm up in a very unnatural way to block whatever.
OMG.
one stop before mine, i couldn't take it. and i got up.
i wanted to go the interchange, but i dropped opposite it and waited for the bus from there.
eff him.
i kinda got over it once i reached school, but i'm still traumatised.
eff him. m i just overreacting? does this happen to girls very often?
freak.
whatever happened to a woman's rights?
oh wait. i forgot.
some men are just jerks.
:(
DOODOO
Thursday, June 29, 2006 ( 5:56 PM )
am playing minesweeper with laura now. she keeps nudging me. stop NUDGING me!!!!
:(
hahahhaha
boring. nothing to do. absolutely nothing to do.
want to go shopping. my inner psychotic shopping beast has awakened.
but it cries because i am broke. *cries*
mummy, its overrrrrr
Wednesday, June 28, 2006 ( 1:05 PM )
yay! marketing ica2 is OVERRRRRRRR!!!!!!
heeee..and freak, it was damn easy. wish i had studied properly for it. it's basically copy and paste, vomiting syndrome la.. so much freaking over "how to apply concepts in application??!!??"
haha sian, later have to do seah's powerpoint.. *SWITCH ON --- PROCRASTINATOR MODE*
haha trying to find some game to play now.. my brother's bugging me to try maple story but i REFUSE. goodness its such a mario-inspired freak game la. heh. hahahs :P
and got my first warning letter for kannan's module today.. and i only skipped one dayy!!!!!!! (and it was a make-up lesson too *pouts* ) no fair la. :( got such a shock when she called my name. i am so guai ok... *sniff* hahaha..
hee :)
and laura, HAHA SHAF DUMPED YOU WAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA :)
*sticks tongue out*
and hi zaf!! :)
yay! nice skin :)
Tuesday, June 27, 2006 ( 7:13 PM )
ahahaha am so proud of myself for doing up my blog (all by my suaku self wahahahaha happy happy) yay :)
did up my blog til 4am last nite, neglected viju work to do my blog...hehehe only memorised my script like this morning. and while i could spit everything out while i was at home, the moment i stepped into the lab i forgot EVERYTHING and had to re-memorise and familiarise again. wahaha.
and i had everything memorised well and dandy by 4oclock, but when i stood in front of the camera and stared into the glassy frames my mind went *blank*
*poof*
and i spoke too fast (again) and my report was only 2mins 03 seconds instead of the 2mins30seconds i had earlier timed for myself... 5% marks deducted for underrun lehhhh :(
hahahaa but i'm just happy its over :)
HEEEEEE
*deliriously happy*
jus helped to break the large cadbury bar into little chunks.. ooooo love chocolate. hhehehe
when the night is not young and you can't get any sleep
( 1:20 AM )
when you can't sleep, you blog.
i can't sleep. arghies.
today was the first day of school, and zzz was it like every other boring school day.. except i had to be timer for viju's standuppers and i couldnt fall asleep during her lesson (not that i always do, just that last night being an unfruitful night to catch winks and all)
made laura squirm today. :) yes, i do find it nice. (:
and martin, sorry for waking u up last night...feel so bad haha now i am indebted; you can wake me up with a phone call any time u can't sleep or feel bored. hahas. and i will try not to ignore my handphone or shut it. :) wahaha. i promise. hahas wanna go out on friday, btw? i can't stand it - i need to breathe some fresh air. once these round of ballistic icas are over.
didnt really understand ha's lesson agn today either.. felt that the exercises were weird. it tried to make us think creatively, but... err... you get what i mean...
haha and i chose to think creatively about a security camera. :) hahaha
and then while doing the Import Motors exercise Habez had to turn ard and tempt me with his imaginary lesbian porn. which, btw, eeww. im straight and i can't even stand gay porn a la brokeback so how many stars do you figure i'd rate les porn? sheesh.
;) hahahahaaahahahahhahahahaahaha
and that les thingy sparked off a perverse conv between me and dear laura tan may yi, where we argued that she was dense/innocent & demure (yes, it's ok, you may go get your puke buckets now)
haha and while i still insist she is dense, ie when the whole class gets a dirty joke and she doesnt, she is innocent/demure in the sense that she doesnt want to hear the stuff i wanna tell her.
NOTE TO LAURA'S FUTURE BF/FIANCE/HUSBAND/SPOUSE/SECRET ADMIRER (or current hehe):
laura is trying to be innocent for you. savour that.
wahahahahaa :)
ok i'm going nuts.
*lack of sleep*
oh. and laura, u meanie. take shaf as ur 10th gf and discard me. hmpfft. doodoo la u.
wahahhhaahaha :)
NOBODY AT ALL!
Monday, June 26, 2006 ( 5:46 AM )
there is absolutely nobody online.
this is weird. absolutely noone. except habez, but he's aslp. and eek i'm alllll aloneeeee...
hahah YAY i am sooooooo HAPPY I HAVE FINISHED MY INDIVIDUAL ICAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :) FINALLY. now i can get some peace. in my head, that is.
.
.
.
and yes, i miss him.
*sniff*
and to think it's only been what, 5 days?
gosh. i'm hopeless.
just want to sit there and lie in his arms. haha :)
oh no, i'm getting clingy.
snap outta it!! *smack*
ok. nite :)
murtabak and idiotic queue jumpers
Sunday, June 25, 2006 ( 11:01 PM )
went to eat dinner today at the 24hr coffeeshop near my house after mass. and freak, i should have just walked home.
fyi, i just began my HA work an hour ago. and it's 14 hours (inclusive of sleep time) i just have to write this to keep my brain from exploding (pan, dolly, tilt, ARGHIES if i see one more word of camera vocabulary - which i'll probly hv to - i'll tear my hair out -.- )
back to my coffeeshop story. so i happily pranced to the first (and only) table i saw, (gee, amazing how a coffeeshop can be so full when its food sucks haha) and i didn't sit down. my mom went off to find a rubbish bin and i stood there with my siblings to reserve the place. and there was this group of young kids and their parents who were walking from the carpark.
and quite obviously, THE TABLE WAS MINE.
and yet, when the aunty came to ask me if i wanted the table, and i said YES, QUITE LOUDLY TOO, THANK U V MUCH, those *********** pigs jus zoomed in and sat down WHEN I STANDING RIGHT THERE STARING AT THEM.
and i couldn't possibly ask them to scram right? so i scrammed, and i got scolded for not being able to chope a table well. eek. it's not my fault how some people are so damn retarded. =l
and to make it worse, we had to wait 45 minutes for the murtabak to be ready!! freak. on a normal day i would hv jus waited in sweet anticipation for the mutton murtabak but golly i was trying to finish my darn HA report.
or should i say, start on it.
i gotta get back to it.
heh.
so much for courtesy. o.O
on love and selfishness.
Friday, June 23, 2006 ( 10:25 PM )
I don’t deny I’m selfish, but it's only when it comes to certain personal stuff. I told joan that if I loved someone, I’d want that someone to love me back. And she said that it’s alright if someone you love doesn’t love you back. I think so too. So long you learnt and cherish the value what it means to love, right?
But… I quote from Moulin rouge: “The greatest thing you can ever learn is to love and be loved.” Aah, my motto in life, in love.
And that is so true. It’s great if you can learn to love a total stranger, but its more…magical (if magical moments really do exist outside of tv and movies)… if that total stranger in your life loves you back. Isn’t it?
Would that be counted as selfish? haha..
I still have my whole life ahead of me to discover all these anw, so. Haha. :)
sadness that can't be expressed.
( 10:19 PM )
Ya, I know, Amanda.. Haha on hindsight the colours are blinding… But lazy to change la haha shall be mono-coloured from now on hehe…
~**~
Is it wrong to want to be pampered? I was pampered as a child, spoilt, even, to a certain extent, my parents tell me, but does it show in my actions? I hope not.
Every girl, and I believe every sane human, has a longing to be pampered, whether by him or herself or by someone else. Don’t deny it, you know its true.
Pampered as a child, I don’t deny that part of my life. Everything I wanted I had, but now it’s the total opposite, everything I want (but not all I don’t really need HAHA see how positioning of a product is so influential? WAHAHA) I don’t have. And I don’t know when I’ll have that comfortable life back again. It’s almost a decade of financial obscurity… But wth, live life as it comes and to the fullest right?
It seems to be the most difficult part of my life now, where my family seem to be the ones in need of solace. I try to be there for them but sometimes I need solace too, right? I want to just curl up and cry. But I can’t cry anymore. I’m so used to this sadness that crying doesn’t make me feel better anymore.
The other time Anjana read my drawing she said that I wear a smile to hide my feelings. Even when I’m sad I smile and laugh and mask my feelings. She was so right. Haha. Ha. I think the last time I got emo and sad in public was in sec 2. and I think only cheryl’s ever seen me sad and she knows when I’m sad. and maybe laura saw me sad once. Jewel heard me being sad, ie. On the phone. Haha.
The reason I’m getting so emo now is cos I saw how my dad was last night.... His expression, so tired, his face so wizened and weary… he worked the whole day and came home at nearly 11pm, and when I saw his face, the exhaustion carved into his face like it was a part of his features…My heart just sank. To the deepest it’s ever sunk. I don’t know why, but… he’s working so hard for the family, I just feel that I shouldn’t be putting extra burden on him and that I should just go out and work and stop studying.
But I can’t do that, because while it might help my family for now, I’ll be disappointing my parents, because all they want from me and all my siblings is for us to come up and be happy and comfortable in life. We don’t have to be filthy rich. We just need to be happy and comfortable with what we have.
It’s the worst thing when parents tell you that you should not follow their footsteps. It’s the worst thing because they’re supposed to be your role models. It’s the worst thing because when they tell you this you don’t see them as superheroes or the happy ideal parent anymore. It’s the worst thing because then you see the cracks in their disguise… and all you see now is another fragile human, another broken soul.
Which is why I always hate to see elderly people selling tissue on the streets or busking along underpasses. Because they’re elderly people who have lived their lives and at their age should be going on a holiday around the world or a cruise to Langkawi or something. There’s just this sinking feeling in my heart whenever I see people like this. They’re supposed to be happy, but when they have to do stuff like that just to get by… Well maybe they’re happy doing it, but… still.
Ah. Well.
*SMILES*
mountain of icas squishing me to death and..
Saturday, June 17, 2006 ( 10:35 PM )
all i can say is, LORD HELP ME.
i have sooo many icas to finish, and so little time. and i havent really started properly on any =P hahahaha i'm starting now, in case any of my group members are worrying. my work will be on time!
haha ive been very confused lately, as ive told joan and cheryl (psst, cheryl heehee..happy anot? aiya, jus pick 7 days la. wont die one la :) ) and i've lost sleep and work time over it. but..the confusion has pretty much been cleared up, and completely by itself, too! :) see, problems in life really do work themselves out. HAHA
and...joan's been trying to explain it to me but i still don't get it.. what does it mean to be in love? and how do u know? how is it supposed to feel? (and it is a pleasant surprise how mature and smart joan, my dear hamster, is :) hehehee..) how are you supposed to feel when you're in love? how would you know???? someone please, pray tell.. sorry m, i won't say it until i reallllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllly feel it. in my blood, under my skin, flooding my thoughts. :)
*patience is a virtue* (that not many have) (not me, hehe--working on it!)
time will tell. :)
kelly hits the bulleye.
Wednesday, June 14, 2006 ( 9:25 PM )
I don't believe
In the smile that you leave
When you walk away
And say goodbye
Well I don't expect
The world to move underneath me
But for God's sake
Could you try?
I know that you're true to me
You're always there
You say you care
I know that you want to be mine
Where is your heart?
'Cause I don't really feel you
Where is your heart?
What I really want is to believe you
Is it so hard
To give me what I need?
I want your heart to bleed
That's all I'm asking for
Oh, where is your heart?
I don't understand
Your love is so cold
It's always me that's reaching out
For your hand
And I've always dreamed
That love would be effortless
Like a petal fallin' to the ground
A dreamer followin' his dream
Where is your heart?
'Cause I don't really feel you
Where is your heart?
What I really want is to believe you
Is it so hard
To give me what I need?
I want your heart to bleed
And that's all I'm asking for
Oh, where is your heart?
It seems so much is left unsaid
So much is left unsaid
But you can say anything
Oh, anytime you need
Baby, it's just you and me
Oh yeah
I know that you're true to me
You're always there
You say you care
I know that you want to be mine
Where is your heart?
'Cause I don't really feel you
Where is your heart?
What I really want is to believe you
Is it so hardTo give me what I need?
I want your heart to bleed
That's all I'm asking for
Oh yeah
Where is your heart?
'Cause I don't really feel you
Where is your heart?
What I really want is to believe you
Is it so hard
To give me what I need?
I want your heart to bleed
And that's all I'm asking for
Where is your heart? Where is your heart? Where is your heart? Where is your heart?
~kelly clarkson "where is your heart"