I’ve not been here for the past… oh, I don’t know.. century? Seems like AGES. And I, as usual, have a lot to say.

Past couple of days I’ve been having that feeling… THAT feeling.

It’s the feeling I occasionally get, most of the time when I’m in church. There’s this sinking sensation, where I can just feel my heart droop and sag into some kind of dark, bottomless pit, and heaps of emotion—sadness, dread, weariness, gloominess, and many others that are indescribable—wash over me in that instant, and even though the feeling is pretty evanescent, the emotions cling to me for a while afterward. It’s when I feel the most down, at my most vulnerable. Sometimes the feeling’s so strong, and I feel as if I’m a porcelain doll, hanging precariously onto the edge of the table, where every moment that passes has the possibility of being my last and the odds are against me; I know that if I fall—whether or not it was because I finally gave up and decided to let go, or if I’d fallen by accident, the reason does not matter—I’ll hit the ground, and shatter into countless pieces, and can’t be put together again.

Most of the time, though, when I get that feeling, I just feel really negative. It’s hope and faith that drives me through life, and when I’m feeling this, I just feel the glimmer of hope within me vanishing. I start thinking that I’ll never be happy in life, that I’ll suffer many hardships, that I’ll never find what I’m searching for. Ever. And of course, that leads to a short period of droopy-faced depression.

Yesterday I told my parents that I got this feeling sometimes, and they told me that it’s all in my head. Perhaps, but I’d expected them to at least give some words of encouragement. I mean, here I am, depressed and all, and there they are saying it’s all in my head. Of course it’s all in my head! That goes without saying.

They say it like it’s so easy to get rid of, but it isn’t… sometimes you just get depressed, and you can’t help it. You can’t really change many things in your life, no matter how much you want them different. These things will always be there to haunt you. A more physical example: if a bulb blows, and it’s totally gone, there’s pretty much no way you can make it give off light anymore… and if someone dies, there’s no way in hell that you’re gonna get them back. As much as you wanna change these things, you can’t.

I sound pretty mental. But no… it’s not a psychological condition. It’s just a terrible feeling. Like dread and guilt, or happiness. It just comes and goes.

I’ve been having that feeling for the past few days, and it was the worst on Saturday. It cleared up after some time.. but I’m still feelings the effects of its depression. *sigh*

In life, you’ll know some things, and you won’t know some things. That’s great, because if you did know everything, there’d be nothing left for you to LEARN.