And i think i've made it pretty clear to myself, that i want to be among the brave. Be brave and live with bravery. Sieve the rules out and bend 'em to breaking point, and play safe in the most dangerous manner. SOund's oxymoronic, i know. But it's a start.

But hello, it's notall that easy to change from being a cautious person to a brave one. Easy is as easy does. Haha. Just felt like saying that. Though, of course, I have absolutely no idea what that means.

So anyway. Back to my little snoop into bravado and such. Well, not exactly bravado.

Anyway in case there’re some of you who’ll misread the phrase, it actually means—well, actually, I’m inferring, so.. What I think it means, is that those who live without worrying too much about the consequences or whatever, and just live life how they see it and want to live it, may not be playing safe, and may not live secure lives…Well, these are the brave. And the cautious, well.. they live out their entire lives worrying about this and that and pretty much everything, and this fear and anxiety becomes such a huge part of their lives that it is pretty much all they think about. So although their lives are extremely secure and very safe, they’re not living their lives to the full.

It's just an inference.

it's not gonna be easy to try and switch from cautious to brave. i've been cautious all my life. but it's not what i want.

I saw another phrase in the canteen this morning. (Haha. I’m like pulling phrases outta a hat or something..) It said something like don’t be troubled by your worries or something, because “the sun has a sinking spell every evening and still comes back up the next morning.” I think it was Shakespeare who said that, but I’m not too sure, cos I wasn't close enough to see the fine print. Ha.

Anyway that phrase that made me think deep, again. And I thought,

“PUHHHHLEAASSSSE!”

Come on. It’s easy for a person living a comfortable life to say that. “Oh, don’t worry, it’ll all be just dandy the moment you wake up tomorrow.” I mean, what’d you think this is? A scene from the life of the tooth fairy? Oh yeah, I’m offering you a great deal: pull your tooth out and hurt like hell and bleed to frickin’ half-death now, and tomorrow morning when you wake up, you find a fresh fifty bucks by your pillow, courtesy of me!

Okay. No offense. But I mean, life isn’t that easy or smooth. For some, probably. And you know what, maybe the phrase is true. Maybe there is a rainbow after every storm, and maybe every gray cloud does have a silver lining.

But the process of finding that rainbow, finding that silver lining, finding the solution and door to all your problems? For most that’s the most torturous thing. And I would know. I see my dad, he tells me all his problems. He’s been heavy in financial muck since… well it seems like forever, it’s been that long. I think it’s been seven, eight years, a decade? I don’t know. And even me, the Optimistic, Ever-Hopeful One, am beginning to lose hope.

Look. All I’m saying is… Yes, there’s sunshine after the rain. But to find the sunshine can take so long… So long, and after a long and exhaustingly arduous journey, that we often lose hope and faith and the determination to liberate ourselves. We’ve sunk so far in the pits of bleakness and badness that we don’t know if there actually is just one, just one hopeful ray of real sunshine. We’ve sunk so far in that we don’t know if there’s actually any way else to live other than while wallowing nose-deep in our misery. We’ve just sunk so far that the light seems so far away, so unreachable, that we begin to think we’re seeing things, that there really isn’t a light at all, or is there is, fate isn’t gonna permit us to touch it.

Perhaps the sun does sink and then makes a glorious return the next morning. Perhaps there is sunshine after rain. Perhaps we’ll find the solutions to all our problems and live happy lives one day.

But the night is too long, it’s been raining too long, and we’ve been living with our problems for far too long, to realize that there’s still hope. And we forget that we can survive on hope, and that hope can lead us out of the pouring rain and save us.

We’ve just been living in the darkness and shadow of the night for so long, so long that the idea of light and warmth becomes nothing more than mere fantasy.






I’ve not been here for the past… oh, I don’t know.. century? Seems like AGES. And I, as usual, have a lot to say.

Past couple of days I’ve been having that feeling… THAT feeling.

It’s the feeling I occasionally get, most of the time when I’m in church. There’s this sinking sensation, where I can just feel my heart droop and sag into some kind of dark, bottomless pit, and heaps of emotion—sadness, dread, weariness, gloominess, and many others that are indescribable—wash over me in that instant, and even though the feeling is pretty evanescent, the emotions cling to me for a while afterward. It’s when I feel the most down, at my most vulnerable. Sometimes the feeling’s so strong, and I feel as if I’m a porcelain doll, hanging precariously onto the edge of the table, where every moment that passes has the possibility of being my last and the odds are against me; I know that if I fall—whether or not it was because I finally gave up and decided to let go, or if I’d fallen by accident, the reason does not matter—I’ll hit the ground, and shatter into countless pieces, and can’t be put together again.

Most of the time, though, when I get that feeling, I just feel really negative. It’s hope and faith that drives me through life, and when I’m feeling this, I just feel the glimmer of hope within me vanishing. I start thinking that I’ll never be happy in life, that I’ll suffer many hardships, that I’ll never find what I’m searching for. Ever. And of course, that leads to a short period of droopy-faced depression.

Yesterday I told my parents that I got this feeling sometimes, and they told me that it’s all in my head. Perhaps, but I’d expected them to at least give some words of encouragement. I mean, here I am, depressed and all, and there they are saying it’s all in my head. Of course it’s all in my head! That goes without saying.

They say it like it’s so easy to get rid of, but it isn’t… sometimes you just get depressed, and you can’t help it. You can’t really change many things in your life, no matter how much you want them different. These things will always be there to haunt you. A more physical example: if a bulb blows, and it’s totally gone, there’s pretty much no way you can make it give off light anymore… and if someone dies, there’s no way in hell that you’re gonna get them back. As much as you wanna change these things, you can’t.

I sound pretty mental. But no… it’s not a psychological condition. It’s just a terrible feeling. Like dread and guilt, or happiness. It just comes and goes.

I’ve been having that feeling for the past few days, and it was the worst on Saturday. It cleared up after some time.. but I’m still feelings the effects of its depression. *sigh*

In life, you’ll know some things, and you won’t know some things. That’s great, because if you did know everything, there’d be nothing left for you to LEARN.